


Amour

by potatoesarenotforsex



Category: Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe, Angst, Dark, KickTheSticks - Freeform, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Phan AU, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-06
Updated: 2013-06-06
Packaged: 2017-12-14 03:16:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/832083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/potatoesarenotforsex/pseuds/potatoesarenotforsex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes even the deepest love still isn't enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

Phil wakes up abruptly in the middle of the night. He peers into the darkness, willing his eyes to adjust more swiftly to the black, pulling the sheets up to his chin. It takes a moment for him to notice that Dan is sitting upright beside him, unmoving but breathing deeply.

"Dan, you okay?" Phil's voice is distorted by a stifled yawn, as he brings his hand up to rest gently on Dan's thigh.

"Yeah." Dan sounds normal enough, so Phil drifts off into restless sleep again and by morning he's forgotten all about it.


	2. Two

"Are you sure it's not too soon?" Dan flicks some of the cheese on his plate over to Phil's, who devours it eagerly.

"Come on, it's been nearly half a year since we did a 'Phil is not on fire' video, people really love those ones!" Dan doesn't respond, so Phil tries again, toying with his bread, "I know we're in each other's videos a lot more than we were before but I still think it's something our viewers really enjoy, so what do you think? We could start filming this afternoon!" He looks up.

"Dan?"  
Dan is sitting just as he was before, fork resting on the plate, staring just to the side of Phil's face.

"Hey, Dan! Daaaaaaaaaaaan!" Phil waves his hands in front of his blank gaze, leaning forward to put his face into Dan's line of sight. "Earth to Dan. Do you copy?" Dan doesn't respond so Phil leans forward and pokes him right on the nose. Still no response.

"Dan, seriously? Aren't we a little too old for this?" He giggles, because maturity has never been either of their strong points. "Okay then, challenge accepted." Dan doesn't react as Phil pushes his chair back noisily and walks over to the sink. He fills the water jug with ice, then with water, and heads back to stand behind his best friend.

He taps Dan twice on the back of his head, right where the hair sticks up at an awkward angle. He knows how much Dan hates that bit of hair, furiously styling it down at every opportunity, and yet he still cannot provoke Dan into any kind of response, he just continues to sit, breathing lightly and staring at the wall.

"Well, you asked for it!" With a gleeful cackle, Phil pours the icy water down the back of Dan's top. He darts back quickly, dodging any violent retaliation from Dan- but to his surprise Dan still does not respond.  
Frowning, Phil puts down the jug and walks around to face Dan once more. This doesn't seem like just a trick, it's far too good; usually he'd have started giggling by now.

"Dan? Dan, seriously stop it, it's not funny anymore!" Phil's voice is a desperate plea but Dan remains silent, the icy water beginning to seep into his shirt. He blinks slowly but his gaze remains blank and steady.

"Oh god, Dan?" Phil reaches forward and shakes his friend by the shoulders, softly at first but growing increasingly forceful as his fear takes hold. "Dan? DAN MOVE! Dan, please, stop this!"

Phil steps back and watches Dan for a moment before turning and running as fast as he can to his room, scraping his arm against the door frame in his haste. He pulls on his coat, pockets his phone and sits down, about to pull on his shoes when he hears the sound of the running water from the kitchen tap suddenly stop. Phil stands up, eyes wide in disbelief, before running with one shoe on and the other in his hand back to the kitchen.

Dan is standing by the sink, stacking the dishes from lunch. He looks up when Phil walks in and, rolling his eyes, "Phil you need to stop leaving the taps running! We have to pay for all the bills now, remember?"  
He moves back down to sit at the table and Phil follows, incredulity dissolving into anger as he pulls of his shoe and tosses the pair into under the table.

"That's not funny, you always take things too far..." Shaking his head, Phil pulls out his phone and starts checking his twitter. Dan looks up at him, confused.

"Take what too far?" He sounds genuinely confused but Phil has learnt his lesson.

"Tricking me, not reacting when I said your name, no need to go on and on!" Phil catches Dan's eye and is surprised to see no gleam of triumph there.

"When did you say my name?"

"Just then!" Phil slams his phone down on the table. "I just said- enough is enough! Can you cut it out, okay? You win."

Dan stands up, hands on his hips. "You never said my name! Why are you so mad at me Phil?" His voice breaks slightly on the last word and Phil's expression finally softens.

"You don't remember?" Dan shakes his head and sits back down, eyes pleading Phil to continue. "You weren't moving or talking- I was calling your name! I even poured water on you- see, look! Your shirt is all wet still!"  
Dan's gaze falls down to the sides of his shirt and his fingers press into the cotton that is, indeed, soaked through. He looks back up at Phil, the shock clearly beyond even Dan's acting ability.

"But when was this? I don't remember that at all!" His hand begins to shake and Phil reaches over, pressing his own hand on top of Dan's until the tremors calm.

"Only minutes ago, when you didn't seem to be changing I went to our room to get changed and fetch help, but then I heard the water stop and figured you must have turned off the tap."  
Dan screws up his eyes, trying to remember that part, any of it, but can find no answers. "I remember turning off the tap, why did you leave it on?"  
Phil's expression brightens, "So you remember me turning on the tap?" Dan shakes his head, and at Phil's perplexed expression replies, "I just know I didn't turn it on..."

They sit in silence for a moment, the sunlight sneaking through the clouds to slightly brighten their dim kitchen. Phil can feel Dan trying to tense his hand into submission, but despite his best efforts, it slowly begins to tremble.

"What's happening to me, Phil?


	3. Three

Phil stares steadily into the camera that PJ is pointing at him, hands clenching onto the arms of his chair, not a single word passing his lips. He knows that this is ridiculous, that he's the one who asked for PJ's help in making this video. He's been holding it all in for three days now; he's not spoken to any of them about what happened at the hospital, despite the endless questions and queries.

PJ holds the camera steadily, his gaze trained onto the screen, forcing himself not to look up at Phil. They both know what it means to have avid followers and how that changes your life, and he isn't surprised that Phil feels the need to make some sort of announcement online.

He's been hiding away, travelling from the hospital to the apartment alone, refusing to speak more than the few words required to indicate where he was going or to say that he'd "Rather be alone, thanks." Not rude, never rude- but never opening up either.

Others still send him messages but PJ had stopped after that first day. Maybe it's because he's known Phil the longest, but somehow he can just tell that the constant presence and communication from lots of emotional friends is precisely what Phil doesn't want right now. Even right now, as he watches his friend sit motionless and speechless before him, PJ reminds himself that he's here to film, not to hug Phil or offer him more useless words of comfort, no matter how much he'd rather be doing the latter. What Phil needs is what Phil always needs in a difficult situation- time alone to work out his own thoughts, without worrying about how his reactions might affect those around him.

"Two percent." The words come out of nowhere and Phil takes a moment to realise that it was he who said them out loud. His hands find their way into his hair (too long, a haircut's the last thing he's been thinking of recently), pulling and twisting in frustration.

"It's only two percent of the time the operation doesn't work." His voice is hoarse and awkward, it feel's like an age since he spoke more than a few consecutive words, but now the words are pouring out with nothing to buffer them. "Two percent, that's nothing right? That's the ones you never hear about- except on the news or online when you read an article about some crazy story when a person who is young and healthy and normal and good ends up with something awful happening to them, it happens to them," He pauses, gulping in air, "But not Dan. This is wrong, it's so wrong…"

Tears are welling in Phil's eyes and it's all PJ can do to not hit the stop button and pull Phil into his arms- but he promised he would help out with this video and he doesn't intent to go back on his word. He holds the camera steady and smiles at Phil, noticing that his own eyes are also wet. Phil returns a small, momentary smile, before letting his face fall into his hands.

"A blood clot." His hands muffle his voice but the words are clear enough to be audible. "Not big enough to notice it earlier, but big enough to stop the flow of blood to his brain- it's not like he's old! Or even fat, even if he doesn't go to the gym that much, he doesn't smoke, or drink loads of alcohol, I mean," His voice quavers, threatening to dissolve into tears again, "How is that fair?"

Phil takes in a deep breath, tipping his head back, as if he's trying to physically force the tears not to fall. Exposing the expanse of his long neck, PJ can see Phil's pulse hammering away behind his pale skin, watching as Phil calms himself, his fists clenching and relaxing rhythmically to some invisible tune that only Phil can hear. PJ waits but he doesn't say anything, watching as the minutes tick by on the small clock in the corner of the camera screen.

Suddenly Phil lets out a short, resolute sigh and tips his face down to stare straight at the camera, eyes wet and red but teeth clenched with determination.

"This time I don't think it's going to be okay." Phil waves his hand beneath his chin at PJ, signaling him to stop recording.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Michael Haneke's 'Amour' (2012)


End file.
